Bowling for Wammies
by DoraCatBuu
Summary: Light tells Mikami about his nightmare, where he's trapped in the Wammy house, where the orphans are total retards and the caretakers are constantly tanked! Can Light survive this crazy dream of his?


DISCLAIMER: I don't own Death Note. I don't know who does, but it's not me. Mello and Matt decided to send Near over, because they both failed on my last one-shots. I doubt Near can stop me from this.

"Mikami! Mikami, wake up!" Mikami Teru growled, not liking being woken up from his sleep, "Mikami, damn it, get up or I'm writing your name down!" That voice belonged to Light Yagami, and sighing, Mikami finally sat up, jumbled in his comforter. He looked around the dark living room. Light was sitting on the table across from him, looking pale and nervous as he tried to shake Mikami again. Snorting, Mikami slid on his glasses.

"...Light, it's 2.30. Can't this wait?" Mikami asked, seeing the VCR clock flash 2.39 AM, "I need to work in the morning." Obviously, though, Light didn't care. He stayed on the table.

"Sorry, but this is important," Light replied, "See, I had a nightmare, and I _tried_ waking Misa up and telling her about it, but she actually got angry with me and told me even she needs her sleep. So, I decided to call my best friend... but then I realized he's actually dead. So, I came to you." Mikami growled. He hated that statement, since he always had been on Light's side, and therefore, should've been number one on his contact list. But, Light just didn't work that way.

"...fine, I'll listen. What was your dream about?" Mikami asked, feeling that, if he were going to get on Kira's good side, he had to humor Light. Light grinned at the prospect of someone listening to his nightmare, and slid onto the couch next to Mikami, handing the disgruntled prosecutor a cup of coffee.

"Well, it was kind of weird at first," Light began, "See... it all started in this orphanage called Wammy..."

--

"Wha! Where the hell am I?" Light screamed, as he sat up in the grass and looked around. Ryuk wasn't with him; Misa wasn't with him either. He was all alone. He looked around. Flowers grew everywhere around him in disgustingly bright colors, and a huge mansion sat just yards away. He could hear birds chirping, but that wasn't what truly terrified him. No, what terrified him most was that he was surrounded by _little kids!_ Everywhere, there were little kids playing! On the swings, on the steps, on the yard, _everywhere!_ And, Light _hated_ kids!

'_Wait, so you had a dream you were in a daycare?_' Mikami asked, outside of the dream, as Light looked around, wondering just where the voice came from.

'_Yeah, but it gets worse, Mikami_,' Light... or rather, the Light outside of the dream stated, and continued on.

"Where the hell am I!?" Light asked again, standing up this time, "And who're all these damn kids!? Where are the parents!? Why are they _playing in a mansion!?_" Light's eye twitched, as he turned and saw one kid throw a stick at another, the second one falling into a patch of mud as a result. He wanted to laugh, but this strange world was too weird to logically explain his amusement. He looked down, and saw a white-haired young man pulling on his arm. He twitched again and asked, "What!?"

"Sock," the man said, holding up a white sock, and then grinned, "Hi."

"...go away," Light said, and walked forward. But, the white-haired boy tugged on him again.

"I'm Near," he said, "Like my sock?" Light looked down at the boy flatly, who held up the sock pleadingly as he stared at Light with his huge, black eyes. In all honesty, Light wanted to smack this kid... er... young man for bothering him, but he knew way better than to hurt a person with no reason. After all, Near just wanted to show off a sock. But, Light at least didn't need to lie about anything.

"No, I don't," Light responded, shoving the sock away, "Now out of my way. I need to know where the hell I am before I decide to write someone's name down."

'_Whoa! You actually told him you were Kira!?'_ Mikami asked, once again interrupting the dream Light was narrating, '_That takes nerves._'

'_I didn't name specifics. Anyway, Near wasn't the worst one there,_' Light told him, '_Just wait until I actually get inside the mansion._' Once again, Light continued his narration as his dream continued on. Light walked away from Near, heading toward the gate of the courtyard, and though he clearly rejected Near's interesting attempt at friendship, Near continued to follow him anyway. They walked down the dirt road, and Light finally stopped at the gate. There sat another young man, but this one was taller, with brown hair and red goggles. He stared at Light blankly as Light approached.

"What's the password?" he asked, "No one gets inside without it. Now, what's 1 + 1?" Light blinked. If the answer was the password, that was really, really simple. He almost laughed at the boy for his stupid excuse of a riddle, but instead of wasting more time wondering where he was, he simply answered.

"It's two," he replied proudly, thinking he won. But, the boy just laughed. He laughed so hard, he fell off the fence he was sitting on, crashing into the bushes below. Then, he popped his head back up and shook his head.

"Wrong!" he exclaimed, "You're not a genius like us. Go away, not-smart person!" Light blinked again. He had no idea what form of crackpot of a world he was in, but he wanted out. He _knew_ his math skills. He _knew_ he was right, but for whatever insane reason, this _deranged teenager_ told him he was dead wrong, and that he was an idiot for it, too. If he weren't in a dream, he'd have written them both down by then... despite the fact that he didn't actually know their names. That made his mood worse.

"Excuse me? What form of math are you taking?" Light simply asked instead, "Can't you do simple addition?" The boy merely blinked as he climbed back onto his post, and then stared at Light as though he had no idea what Light was even talking about. Then, he looked down at a bush, which Light was sure was simply a bush, but then the boy actually started _talking to it_.

"Mello, what's 'addition?" the boy asked, "This crazy person keeps saying I got the password wrong."

'_Oh my god, you landed in a daycare full of retards!_' Mikami said, laughing as he yet again interrupted Light, '_I feel so sorry for you, friend._'

'_Would you shut up and let me talk already!? I'm not even half done here!_' Light snapped, and went back to his narration. Light simply stared at the boy as the bush shook, and then another man popped out, peeping at Light with furrowed brows, obviously angry at being disturbed. Red juice issued from his mouth, but to Light, it looked shockingly like blood. Either _this_ kid just drank juice, or he killed a small animal and devoured it. Right then, Light didn't know which would be worse, or which was actually true, considering his dream thus far.

"Addition?" Mello asked, raising an eyebrow, "Sounds like food. Does it taste good?" Light's eyes widened in horror at Mello's question. Whatever this place was, whoever these three _basketcases_ were, it was clear their IQ didn't even reach double digits _combined_. Mello looked at Light hungrily as the red liquid continued to drip down his chin, onto his leather vest. And, that actually scared Light. The last thing he needed was to know one of the three retards was also a cannibal.

"No, it doesn't taste good! It's not food!" Light yelled, as Mello jumped over the fence and sniffed him, "And go away! What the hell is dribbling down your face, anyway!?" Mello gave him a blank look, and Light swiped some of the liquid onto his fingers, asking, "Is this blood!?"

"I killed the Yucky Tree," Mello replied proudly, pointing to the bush, "I stabbed it with sharp, pointy sticks. It squirted blood everywhere. It was yummy. That's the fruit of my fight with it." Then, he took his finger, dipped it into the streak across his face, and slurped it, "Mmm, this is a billion times better than chocolate!" Light's eye twitched. Slowly, he realized this was a nightmare world. He _couldn't_ be in his world! His world was _not_ filled with complete _morons_, and if it was, he'd definitely look into this place and destroy it with Kira's powers. But, that thought had to be saved. He still had to get inside of the house, and his three new friends weren't helping _at all_.

"Yeah, good for you, you killed a freaking tree," Light snapped, getting surely annoyed with how this was turning out, "Look, I need to get in there. Let me through or I'll smack you upside the head... like that'll actually help, though." Mello slurped the 'blood of the tree' off of his finger again and looked up at Light from where he sat down. Matt, the boy who addressed him, crawled over to Mello and started taking some of the 'blood' off of the young man's face.

"Sorry, stupid-person. We don't let people like you inside," Mello stated flatly, and pushed Matt away, "_MY TREE BLOOD!_" Matt's eyes watered, and then he just snapped and began to cry as he sat down, with Mello licking his berry blood off happily. Light simply blinked, watching the scene with unsurpassed astonishment. Matt and Mello had to be _at least_ 17! And yet, they were _acting like babies_! But, before Light could actually comment, someone burst angrily from the mansion, screaming at the top of their lungs, and stormed over to where Matt and Mello both stood.

'_Finally, the parents show up!_' Mikami said, once again interrupting Light. Light simply snorted.

'_Trust me, it gets pretty ugly from this point,_' Light told him, and resumed his narration again. An older man in glasses, with balding white hair and wearing a brown suit, came running out carrying what Light smelled to be a beer bottle. He edged away, terrified that the man was actually screaming at _him_, but when the man reached where the four stood, his reaction surprised and terrified Light. He actually _kicked_ Mello and _slapped_ Matt across the face! Light twitched in horror.

"Which one o' you rotten snot-suckers disrupted my gambling streak!?" he barked, eyes red with drunkenness as he waved the bottle around, spraying Near, Mello, and Matt with the alcohol, "I ought to skin you little rodents right now! Skin you all an' eat ya like the vermin you are!" Light wanted to just run away at that point, especially when the man's mouth began to foam, but Near simply looked up at him pleadingly, and as Light watched the boy walk over, something about doing such an obviously courageous thing made him stay.

"But Mr. Roger, it wasn't our fault," Near told him, blinking, "Mr. Stupid-person over there started it!"

"Don't you lie to me, boy," Roger growled, eye twitching as he looked down at Near, "Don't you give me none of that bullshit! I heard you little sons of bitches crying! When I find out why, I'm gonna make sure you get a spanking so bad, you'll feel it when you die!" Near whimpered and backed away, obviously terrified of Roger's threat. Light actually felt bad, especially as Roger turned to Matt and Mello and asked, "So!? Which of you baby brats did this!?" Matt sniffled and pointed to Mello.

"He pushed me and gave me a boo-boo!" Matt cried, taking his goggles off to rub his tears away.

"_HE TRIED TO DRINK MY BLOOD!_" Mello screamed in response, and both of them began to cry at that point, each feeling the other was responsible. Roger, however, seemed to have blamed both as he dragged Matt up onto his feet, the young man still sniffling like a five-year-old. He glared hard at the boy, who stopped sniffling as he eyed the bottle in Roger's hand. He knew what might be next.

"Both o' you _shut the hell up_!" Roger barked, and Matt ran away, dragging Near with him in sheer terror, "You all made me lose my match, and you know what _THAT_ means, you little brats! Whoever stays last gets the bottle!" Unfortunately for Mello, because Matt and Near ran so far ahead, he was the last one there, and he looked up at Roger in terror, his eyes watering as he saw the bottle.

"No, not the bottle! I'm sorry! I won't be a bad boy again!" Mello screamed, but he was too late. Roger's fists flew faster than they should for such an old man, and the bottle smashed onto Mello's head in a mighty crash, spilling beer and glass all over the boy, who wailed in complete agony. Roger, only more sour with Mello's screams of pain, smacked Mello across the face. It lessened Mello's cries, but he simply whimpered now. Light looked away. He couldn't bear to see Mello like that. Luckily, though, that look didn't last long. Mello ran away as fast as he could, crying his eyes out... until he fell over, unconscious from the excitement... and from being hit square on the head with a beer bottle. Roger simply grunted before turning to Light and asking, "Who the hell are _you_!?" Light blinked, knowing that if he told this crackpot who he was, he might get hurt. So, he lied.

"I'm... the... exterminator!" Light lied, grinning oddly as he spoke, "I heard you have a bad case of... um... dung beetles!" Roger glared at him skeptically, the vein in his forehead throbbing from critical annoyance as he examined Light's face. For a moment, Light was terrified Roger wouldn't believe him. But, the old man simply grunted again.

"I don't like talking about them whiny ass-turds like that, but we _do_ have a pest problem," he growled, "Come on." He stomped back through the dirt path, completely ignoring Mello as he stormed up the stairs, leading Light to the interior of the mansion. On the outside, it looked like the epitimy of wealth and happiness. But, on the inside, it was the complete opposite. The floor, which once seemed to be a fine, polished mahogany, was now stained with dirt. The marble columns adorning the hallway were cracked, and two were even completely crumbled. The stairs were cracked and stained with mud and dust. But, the saddest feature were the windows. They were caked with mud and grease, allowing almost no sunlight into the rooms. None of the lights appeared to work, either, throwing the orphanage into a gloomy, dim atmosphere.

'_What the hell kind of orphanage was that!?_' Mikami asked, interrupting Light for the fourth time, '_Whoever ran that dump should be written, Light._'

'_I'd like to agree, Mikami, except that he was,_' Light replied, patting the prosecutor on the back, '_Now, where was I?_' He continued onward. Light looked around the depressing scene, feeling absolutely terrible for the orphans living there. He also wanted to know _why_ he was in such a terrible place. Was this a premonition? Was he, as Kira, supposed to find the cruel bastard responsible for this place and murder him? Light didn't know, but he couldn't stand the squalid conditions he now viewed as Roger led him down a long corridor. There sat an open door, and carefully, Roger opened it. A strong, foul odor of scotch and cigars wafted out of it, and there, behind an exquisitely kept desk, sat Watari. Or, what Light _thought_ was Watari. But, no longer did he look like the sweet, old man Light vaguely remembered. No, he looked crazy. His eyes were even more blood-shot than Roger's, and his hair was unkempt, his mustache stained with tobacco from his cigars. He glared up at Roger.

"This had _better_ be good for interrupting me," Watari growled, knocking over a bottle of Parrot Bay, "I was in the middle of deciding which one o' them brats should have their toys confiscated." He and Roger both glared at each other, and Light twitched. He _knew_ this wasn't his world now. No, Watari was _never_ a raving alcoholic like this. Sighing, Light relaxed a little bit, but his body tensed again when Roger pointed a shaking, furious finger at him.

"This little bastard says he's here for that dung beetle problem we got!" Roger roared, grabbing the fallen bottle and taking a swig from it, "Don't tell me you forgot that, you old fool."

"I ain't forgot nothing, ya' nagging wench!" Watari yelled back angrily, "We don't got a dung beetle problem! We just got a 'too many whiny bastards' problem, and I sure as hell know how to take care of that!" Grinning, Watari took out a large shotgun from his desk, aiming it at the ceiling. Then, he shot it, taking a decent chunk of ceiling down... along with a toilet, which crashed behind him as he said, "Looks like they're gonna have to hike a few miles to tinkle now." Then, he and Roger simply laughed. Light's lips tightened, not understanding just why that was amusing. A new thought hit him, one that, if he were full out in Kira mode, would never occur to him, and he was glad for his random moments of human grace. He _had_ to save those poor kids, even if they were as dumb as driveway gravel. Even if he _didn't_, Watari and Roger were just as bad as criminals for how they treated Near, Mello, and Matt. He took a deep breath, intent on pulling another lie.

"Actually, sir, I'm with the... uh... Really Smart Kids foundation," Light said, praying that somehow, they'd believe him again, "I... heard there are geniuses at this fine... establishment, and I came to monitor them." Watari gave Light a flat look, and Light's face perspired, absolutely certain that Watari, even completely _drunk off his old rocker_, saw through that lie. But, to his relief, he was safe.

"...whoever said that was dead wrong. We don't got any smarties here. They're all a bunch of hyper-active idiot-children. Even the ones who should move out, like _Mello_, are too stupid to know which way the exit is," Watari told him, "But hell, if you wanna monitor the brats and see if any of them are worth taking, feel free. We sure don't want 'em. Monitor the hell out of 'em for all _we_ care!" Light blinked, pursing his lips in disbelief. He was _damn_ glad this was just a nightmare, or many, many people would be dead, either out of hatred or mercy. That would definitely get him caught and killed. And, rather than wait for them to show him where the other kids were, he decided to leave on his own.

"Thank you! I will examine them to the best of my abilities!" Light said, and rushed out of there as fast as he could. But, before he left to find any other orphans, he stayed as he heard Roger say, "So, I hear Near got this new Optimus Prime figure. I say we storm his room and take the little piece of shit before he ruins it. Hell, _I_ never got that when _I_ was little. _I_ want it."

"We can rip off its head in front of him and hit him with it," Watari agreed, and grinned, "Up for a round of Bowling for Wammies?" Roger nodded, and before anything more was said, Light ran away again. If he had _any_ chance of getting away from the madness, he knew helping the orphans was it.

'_Okay, this nightmare of yours keeps getting funnier and funnier,_' Mikami commented again, as Light sighed outside of the dream, '_Next you're going to tell me L pops up!_'

'_Oh, that's a good one, Miki! Does he, Light? Does L come back?_' Misa asked, as she bounced into the room, '_Sorry to interrupt, Light, but I just couldn't sleep without you!_'

'_Whatever. Mikami's interrupting every five seconds anyway_,' Light grumbled, as Misa sat in his lap, '_Anyway, just shut up and listen..._' He continued his narration yet again as Misa hugged him tightly. Light walked down the dark hall of the house, which eventually led to a creaky, old, rather unsafe-looking staircase, which wound upwards in a steep ascension. He shivered, wondering just how many of these kids fell down the stairs, and if that explained their massively low IQ. He slowly walked up, and when he reached the top, he saw many doors on each side of the hall, but only one was open. Carefully, he walked over and peeked in, only to see L sitting on the floor, with a moldy piece of cake.

'_I KNEW IT!_' Mikami yelled, and Light smashed him with a pillow as he continued on with his narration.

"L!? What the _hell_ are you doing here!?" Light asked, "You're supposed to be _dead_!" L looked up at him, as a stringy piece of mold spilled out of his mouth, onto the floor. Light winced, and his stomach turned unhappily at the sight of it. He _hated_ L, but even this was too much for him to see.

"Hi, Kira," L said, waving, "Want to have cake with me? It's quite good." Light's fists clenched as he realized with horror that L was just as stupid as Matt was. That sheer realization made him want to rip his hair out, especially since he _knew_ L was a _fscking GENIUS_ in the real world... when he was still alive. But, that thought had to wait, because as Light came back from staring off, he saw L was looking up at him with wide, innocent eyes, holding the plate of moldy cake out to him. He sighed. He _hated_ the orphans he met currently, but something about the way Near, and now L, were staring at him just got to him. They were stupid, but they were trying to be nice.

"Um... sorry, L, but I can't have cake," Light said, raising a worried brow when L crawled forward a bit, "I'm... cake-intolerant." L blinked, and stopped. He frowned as he put his cake down.

"But... but cake is the best," L said sadly, his eyes growing wider, "Please?" Light twitched, and before L could beg him to sit down again, Light rushed out of the room. L simply looked out the doorway and said, "Bye, Kira! Come visit again later!" Light twitched as he heard L's outburst, not just for blurting out that he's Kira, but for actually implying that he wanted _anything_ to do with this obviously retarded L. And, if any of the orphans managed to hear that, and wizened up, he might very well be _dead_. After all, if L was _here_, didn't that mean he _grew up here_? Light could only guess, and as he rushed down the stairs again, he burst into two very weak wooden doors, right into a dingy cafeteria hall, where many, many orphans sat, eating what looked and smelled like garbage. They all looked up at him, and Light froze.

"It's Kira!" one orphan yelled, standing up and pointing to Light. Light's skin paled immediately.

'_Shit, this doesn't look good,_' Mikami said, and Light kicked him for interrupting him yet again, as Misa laughed and nuzzled his cheek as he continued. Light looked at all of the orphans, fear plastered on his face as they all found out he was Kira, all thanks to L. But, if he expected them to get smart instantly and either shoot or stab him, it didn't happen. Instead, everyone _cheered_! All of the orphans rose up from their seats, clapping and cheering and jumping madly, as though they all were injected with 100 units of pure sugar. Light simply watched in complete and utter disbelief.

"_YAY, IT'S KIRA!!_" they yelled, "_WE LOVE YOU, KIRA!!_" Light simply stared, unable to believe that this was happening to him. Kids from all around him dragged him over and sat him down in the chair at the front of the room, where one lone table, that looked miraculous compared to what the kids sat at, stood. They shoved him into the leather seat, and cheered again as some of them tried to climb in his lap, to which he just shoved them away. He twitched, until he heard Near scream, followed by Mello as Matt ran out into the cafeteria, crying hysterically. Blood trickled down his face slowly, and Light stood up as Roger came out, dragging Mello by the hair.

"Stop crying, you bitchy brat!" Roger yelled, slapping Mello across the face, "You knew we was going to play Bowling for Wammies, you little skank. We _saw_ you eavesdropping, you ungrateful piece of shit!" Mello whimpered again, and all the orphans fell silent, their eyes widened in utter horror as Watari stormed out, dragging Near by his hair as blood dripped off his cheeks.

"I didn't do it!" Mello cried, "I swear, Mr. Roger, I didn't..."

"_SHUT UP!_" Watari roared, as he and Roger threw Mello and Near onto the floor, "All right, you little shit-sniffers. Roger and I found a new toy in Near's room, and we want to know which one of you lousy crapfaces gave it to him! So, fess up or you're _all_ playing Bowling for Wammies!" The orphans shivered as Matt tried to help Mello and Near up, all three of them hugging each other in terror over being hit for something none of them did, but no one spoke. Roger's eye twitched as Watari asked, "Well!?" Minutes passed, but no one spoke. Roger growled angrily.

"They ain't blabbing, Watari," he said, "Shall we just pelt them anyway?" Watari glared critically at each kid, but he aimed his direct attention to Near, Matt, and Mello, and nodded.

"Get them bottles, Roger," he said, and magically, Roger dragged over a huge basket full of empty scotch, whiskey, and beer bottles. The kids screamed in utter terror at it, but a roar from Watari silenced them all instantly. Or, at the very least, it lowered their screams to mere whimpers. He grinned psychotically as he said, "All right, maggots. Line up!" The kids all obeyed, and though they were all dumb for not running away, Light had to admit that they did follow orders well. Maybe the consequence for running was worse? Either way, Light simply watched, and gasped as Watari threw a whiskey bottle, knocking down three kids in one shot. He simply laughed.

"My turn!" Roger yelled, and threw two beer bottles, beaming one small child and hitting an older one on the chest, "...damn, my aim is off." Watari just snorted, until he saw Matt pick up a piece of the broken bottle. Then, his rage returned as he pointed a shaking finger at the young man, his red face turning a shade redder.

"_WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, YOU LITTLE SHIT!?_" Watari roared, and immediately, Matt dropped the piece of glass, looking up in unadulterated fear, "Do you want to _die_ tonight!? _DO YOU!?_" Matt froze, and immediately, Watari reached over and dragged Matt up to where he and Roger stood as he said, "Well, let's play a new version of Bowling for Wammies. In this one, we pick three _very_ special targets. And only those three get hit with glass. Now, Matt, do you want to play?" Matt whimpered and shook his head.

"No, sir..."

"You obviously misheard me," Watari said gently, and then screamed, "_DO YOU WANT TO PLAY, MATT!?_" Matt burst into tears and just nodded, and Watari grinned, turning back to the pack of terrorized children as he said, "Now, you little piles of mold, who should be the other two targets?" He smiled at them evilly, and Light was ready to stab himself from what he saw. But, then he saw one orphan, who stood up bravely and gave a suggestion so reasonable, so realistic, that it almost made Light forget they all were morons.

"_RUN AWAY!!_" he yelled, and without warning, every orphan in the cafeteria hall ran as fast as they could to get away from their drunken caretakers, pushing, pulling, and trampling on anything that got in their way. Watari and Roger screamed furiously, but no one heard them as they rushed to get away. Light watched as trays and tables were thrown around as the kids tried to leave, and when the dust settled, only three orphans remained in that room. Matt, who was frozen with terror, Mello, and then Near, both of whom were flattened from the rush. Roger snorted.

"Looks like we got our targets, Watari," he said, grinning, "Ah, our three special projects... _MATT, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING!?_" Watari turned and saw Matt sneaking toward a back door, and grabbed a whiskey bottle from the basket. He threw it as hard as he could, but Matt was faster as he rushed out of the door, the bottle crashing into the wall and bursting apart. Watari roared in anger that Matt actually managed to escape, until he remembered that he still had Near and Mello as targets. Then his grin returned as he picked up another bottle. Near and Mello saw it, and huddled together as Watari threw it. It flew through the air, and before Light could stop himself, he ran in front of the two and caught the bottle before it could hit them. Near opened an eye as Mello whimpered again, and Watari's jaw simply dropped as he looked at Light.

"Who the hell are you?" he asked, clearly unable to recognize Light. Light turned to him flatly, but right as he opened his mouth to speak, Near stood up and blurting out his biggest secret.

"That's Kira," he said, and Light slumped onto the floor in disbelief. Watari looked at Light, and then looked back at Roger, who shrugged.

"Ain't he the bastard we were trying to look for?" Roger asked, "What's he doing here?"

"Maybe there's a new law against being a retard," Watari joked, "In which case, he's our guest. _ALL RIGHT, ASS-TURDS! GET BACK OUT HERE! GAME'S OVER!_" Light blinked, and looked toward the cafeteria entrance, where slowly, the kids looked in and started to come back in, too terrified of what might happen if they didn't. Roger pushed the basket of empty bottles back into the closet, and Watari merely watched as all the kids assembled into their seats, looking from Light to Watari, and then back to Light. Watari cleared his throat, and any noises that the children did make immediately stopped. Sighing, Watari said, "All right, we have a guest today, and as much as I hate each and every one of you, we need to entertain him."

"We're not going to play Bowling for Wammies, are we?" Near asked timidly, as Matt crawled over and sat next to him and Mello. Watari glared at him, and then shook his head. No, he was oddly enough, _not_ in the mood to torture the poor orphans right then.

"No, no, instead, _you_ all are going to entertain him," he stated calmly, and for a moment, Light wondered if maybe he was sobering up, "Now, you all know he's Kira, but he's also part of the Really Smart Kids Foundation, so if any of you rotten crudmunchers think you have a chance in hell of being adopted, go ahead and try to impress him." Light shook his head, unable to believe _this_ was counted as any form of encouragement. He would _definitely_ write down Watari's name again, even if the old man really was dead in the real world. This nightmare warranted his afterlife to be shattered. He turned to Roger, both of them going for the back door, but one little girl stopped them, both of them looking at her expectantly.

"Where will _you_ be, Mr. Watari?" she asked innocently. Watari blinked, feeling the answer should've been pretty obvious. He needed a drink, especially since he could feel his rage at raising a bunch of little brats wearing off. But, because he was feeling the urge to be generous, mostly at the prospect of Light liberating him from some of those little brats, he decided to answer the girl.

"Well, Suzy, I'm going to go and have some whiskey before Kira leaves," Watari answered, feeling it was perfectly fine for a six-year-old to know what alcohol was, "If I'm going to see some of you little snot-suckers off, I want to be good and drunk by then. So, have fun while you can." Then, leaving little Suzy to sniffle at the response, Watari and Roger walked out of the cafeteria, leaving Light to stare in complete confusion at the kids surrounding him. He glanced at the door, and saw L slink into the room, waving happily when he _did_ see Light, but Light quickly turned away, still too freaked out by the sight of a retarded L.

"So, how do we entertain someone?" Mello asked, "I mean, you and I are the oldest, Matt. We have to do _something_, right?" Matt looked up at Mello, and nodded. Light raised a worried brow. He was glad Mello had _some_ sense of duty, but what could they come up with on their incredibly low IQ? He listened to them debate on it for a moment or two, with Near sometimes poking Mello to get his attention. Finally, though, they decided on the only idea Matt came up with, mainly because if they didn't, Matt would cry, which might've brought Watari back in for another round of his horrible game. If Matt weren't so retarded, Light would've thought it was a wonderfully manipulative ploy.

"All right, we found the bestest entertainment ever!" Matt said happily, running up onto the small stage, "Who's up for a farting contest!?"

'_Whoa, are you serious!? A farting contest!?'_ Mikami laughed, once again interrupting Light, who was ready to strangle the Jack McCoy wannabe, '_They're dumb, but that's all they came up with!?_'

'_Let Light finish!_' Misa hissed, and Light sighed, resuming his narration as if Mikami hadn't spoken at all. Light stared and glanced around the room in utter fright at the idea Matt came up with. A farting contest!? Light had heard of the Wammy house vaguely, and not even in the abyss of stupidity did he _ever_ think _anyone_ from the _Wammy House_ would suggest such a disgusting way to have fun! And what made it sourly worse was that _everyone except for Light himself was cheering!_ His eye twitched. This was becoming way too much as a few of the older students ran on the stage, bringing bowls of their gruel with them. Light didn't want to know how they were able to know what gave them gas, but he didn't dare object to it in case Watari came back, full blown drunk.

"First up is Lucas!" Matt said, and thusly, the contest began. Lucas downed his bowl of gruel quickly, but the result was so minimal, he was booed right off the stage. Next, a young girl was up, and her result made Light want to throw up whatever he'd eaten that night, if anything at all. It was so foul, he was _sure_ a few of his own brain cells died from it. But, if he thought that was the worst of it, he was wrong. L was finally up, and his end result was so powerful, so disgusting, so unbelievably unlike L, that Light nearly screamed. It was such a powerful blast, that it sent Matt flying _right out the window_ and into the yard. And, the stench alone! It smelled as if something had died inside of L and stayed there for _twenty years_!

'_Okay, that's disgusting,_' Mikami said, and Light pushed him off the couch for his interruption, continuing on. Everyone in the cafeteria plugged their nose from the smell, and all L could do was grin and grab the microphone Matt once held, and stated, "I win!" No one objected to that, mainly because no one wanted to unplug their nose and risk dying from the fumes. As soon as L hopped off of the stage, Light ran from the cafeteria. He ran until he finally burst into the yard, breathing in the fresh air happily. He was glad for it! He was glad for the trees and the flowers and everything that made that terrible odor disappear. He sighed, and then fell to the ground, utterly exhausted.

"Okay, I'm not anywhere close to being able to leave, but I think I know how to help these kids," he told himself, watching as Matt tried to pull himself out of the bush Mello previously hid in, "They show _some_ potential of being able to possess any brains at all, so if I just nurture that tiny chance, I could help them out! Hell, I could set this damn orphanage _right_ again!" Feeling that his idea was sound, Light immediately set to rounding up everyone he could, and within half an hour, had a decent class size. Most of them were filled with only the oldest students, but that was enough for Light. He should fix the eldest first.

"What are we doing?" Near asked, as Mello picked up a caterpillar and stuffed it in his mouth. Light winced at such a moronic sight, but kept his calm at it anyway. Despite them working to _stop_ him in the real world, he just wanted to fix this horrible mess. He simply smiled.

"Well, Near, I've decided that, if any of you are going to make it in the real world, I need to train you up a bit," Light answered calmly, clapping his hands together, "And I think we need to start with basic math. Who here knows what algebra is?" Light wasn't at all surprised to see no one raising their hands, so he added, "How about subtraction? Multiplication? Division? Fractions? Anything?" Again, no one raised their hands. Mello, however, stood up and glared at Light.

"This is stupid!" he exclaimed, "We don't want to do this anymore!" Light blinked, not sure if he should have expected Mello to object to it, but he decided to ignore the angry boy and try to continue on. Except, of course, that Near stood up and agreed as well.

"Yeah! This is boring! This is even worse than Roger!" Near yelled, "All he does is make us sit in a corner, and that's better than this!" Light bit his lip. He didn't even actually start teaching them anything and they were already trying to get away from him. And, when another student stood up, he sighed, realizing his attempt was over before it even began.

"I say we revolt!" the student cried, and Light raised an interested brow, wondering just how they knew what a revolt was. All of the kids he assembled started standing up and yelling, and Light _knew_ any second, either Roger or Watari would hear them and come rushing out with an empty bottle to smash against their heads. He had to quiet them down, but they were all getting so riled up. He clenched his fists.

"_STOP IT!_" he yelled angrily, and silence fell, "Listen to me! How can you just embrace stupidity like this!? Don't you want to be liberated!? Don't you want to be free? Don't you want to be smart children that people love and adore so you can kill me and make the world a decent place again!? This isn't how anything is supposed to be! You're not supposed to be a bunch of retards! You're supposed to be smart, work for the police, and try to rack your brains to kick my ass already! Why are you embracing the mediocre!?"

"Why're you using words we can't understand?" Mello retorted, crossing his arms, "Just go away and leave us alone!" Light's eye twitched. He couldn't _believe_ what was happening! Less than an hour ago, he was a _hero_ in these kids' eyes, and now he was their enemy for trying to teach them? He didn't get it! What did he do that was so wrong? Granted, to be their enemy was ultimately his goal, since that's how it was _outside _of this dream, but he also wanted them to be _smart_ about it, too! The only thing he felt that could make it worse was if L led them to their revolt, but to Light's horror, that's exactly what happened.

"_I SAY WE TIP KIRA'S STUFF OVER!_" L yelled, in a mighty war cry. Many cries followed it, and everyone Light managed to assemble rushed to the podium Light was standing at, and proceeded to try tipping it over, either by ramming into it or throwing sticks at it, but because they couldn't figure out the best configuration to such a tactic, many of the kids _in the back_ rammed into the kids in the front, who were trying to throw sticks at Light, and simply ended up hitting each other on the back of the head. Light _would_ have been intimidated, except that they were only damaging themselves. He shook his head.

"Can this dream get _any_ worse?" he asked, "I know I might be jinxing myself here, but honestly, can it get any worse? Ryuk, if you can hear me, write my name down so I can just die already." Sadly, Ryuk didn't heed Light's call, but Matt was more than happy to as a large, loud horn sounded, complete with a mighty crash as Roger's car smashed through the garage door, heading straight for Light. Light simply stared with wide eyes, a grin frozen on his face as he watched everyone around him scurry off before Matt managed to hit them. Finally, he slammed right into the podium, sending it flying over the house, and vectored Light as such an amazing velocity, he flew _right through the window!_ Light was proud, because at that moment, Matt learned just a tiny lesson on physics as he crashed into the house. Roger, who heard the noise, poked his head out of the window just in time to see Matt speeding onwards toward the house, laughing maniacally all the while.

"_HEY!_ Stop the damn car, you idiot!" Roger yelled, but Matt either couldn't hear him or simply ignored the order as every orphan in the Wammy House cheered and yelled with delight, "_DAMN IT! WATARI, WE HAVE A SITUATION!_" He ran over to Watari, and together, the two rushed out the door, with Light crawling after them, injured as he was from Matt. They looked on with wide eyes.

"Kill Kira! Kill Kira!" On and on, the orphans chanted that as Matt revved the engine, and sped toward the front of the house. Roger and Watari screamed, hugging each other in complete, utter, unshakable terror as Matt mowed right into the front door, causing the entire house to slowly cave in. Slowly, oh so slowly, everything collapsed right before Light's eyes. The roof fell in, the walls crumbled, the glass shattered and sprayed all over everything. The engine of the car exploded, sending a fiery wrath upon the derelict orphanage, but neither Light nor the orphans cared. It was the most beautiful sight Light had ever dreamed of, and slowly, he could feel the world melting away as he watched it all...

--

"Whoa! That was the craziest dream that ever happened in the history of history!" Mikami exclaimed, when Light finished. Light nodded grimly, downing the rest of Mikami's coffee casually, and leaned back on the couch.

"So, then, what happened?" Misa asked, when Light didn't continue on. Light and Mikami both stared at her, blinking, and she repeated her question. Light bit his lip.

"What do you mean, 'what happened?" Light asked her, "My dream ended. _This_ is what happened! My _telling_ you about it is what happened next!" Misa looked down, as Light handed her Mikami's cup.

"So, no happily ever after ending?" Misa asked. Mikami snorted, and glanced at Light, who gave Misa a flat stare. He couldn't see just how his dream could've possibly had a happy ending, but he was just glad it ended. He shook his head to answer Misa's question, and then stood up.

"Well, it's almost 3.30, and I'm going to go back to bed. Hopefully, I won't have another terrible dream like that again," he said, walking into his room, "Come on, Misa. Let's let the Phoenix Wright reject get back to bed so he can work tomorrow." Misa happily followed, after she hugged Mikami and told him to have a good night. And then, everyone once again fell back asleep, but for poor Light, his dreams wouldn't end at the retarded orphanage he learned to fear. No, if anything, Near, Matt, and Mello would all come back to plague him again...

--(End Chapter)

And so, after relaying his dream to Mikami and Misa, all we can do is hope Light has a decent dream afterwards. I decided to write this up because, after _watching_ the episode where there actually _are_ scenes of the Wammy House, I wanted to see what would happen if it was turned upside-down and everyone there were total retards. I also wanted to try and display Light/Kira as a good guy, because even though _he_ thinks he's good, we all know he isn't. This was my very odd attempt at it all. Hope you liked it, so click that Review button and tell me what you thought!


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